Clandestiny

I remember that night, though I want to forget it. It was such a good memory. A happy memory, and it always will be.

I heard a knock on the door, softly. I crossed over, looked through the peephole, my heart racing.

It was him.

I opened the door, cautiously, because I’ve always been the cautious type, not sure what was about to happen. He didn’t say a word. He just came in, put his arms around me, and kissed me. I think it was the best, most anticipated kiss of my whole fucking life. I waited three years for that kiss. I don’t think I ever felt so much in every fiber of my being just from one little kiss.

He pulled away. “You are smiling so wide right now.”

I can’t remember if I replied to this, I probably just giggled as I leaned in for another one. Then at some point I asked him if he wanted to go to the bed. We did. And we just cuddled and kissed. It was nice, one of the best nights of my life without sex involved. I think the reason it was so great was because we didn’t ruin it with sex.

That was all exactly 11 months ago.

A year ago, 2 weeks from now, I dumped my controlling Shakespeare-wannabe long distance boyfriend.

5 months ago I got together with my current boyfriend. He is not the guy I described in this amazing memory of mine, but they know each other. They were friends.

I guess the part that doesn’t make sense to me is how I can’t be with someone who I have had such good memories with. Actually I do know the reason. He’s a great guy, but would rather sleep around with many girls than settle with me. And let me tell you, I would have done everything possible to be the best least annoying girlfriend in the world to him. But he will never know that. He will never read this. I have cut him off to avoid damage to my current relationship, and I feel horrible about it.

Last night, I was telling a good friend about my situation. She told me how she was always waiting for me and him to get together and was surprised when we didn’t.

That made me want him again all the more. It makes me think about this goddamn memory even more.

Over the last almost four years that I have known him, I can admit that I’ve fallen for him. But how do you fall out? How long does it take? Can someone please mathematically calculate this for me?

I guess this is why I want to remain anonymous, because I knew that I would eventually write something so real to me that I can’t possibly risk anyone I know reading it. I guess I didn’t realize it would happen days within creating this. But there’s a part of me that desperately needs to put to words out somewhere. Let’s let this be out secret memory, tumblr. Pinkie swear?